Happy Hannah

It was the first day of my English 101 class at Riverland Community College, and the phenomenon of being a freshman hadn't really worn off yet. In fact, it was at its peak. I couldn't believe I was in college! I was ready to conquer the world, read every single reading assignment my teachers gave me, and be the best student that college had ever seen. All of which proved to be equally impossible. 

Yet, here I was  playing a get-to-know-you game with my English 101 classmates like I was in third grade all over again. But it was whatever. I went with it. 

The goal was to create an alliteration using your name and an adjective to describe you, then be able to go around the room and be able to remember everyone else's. Some examples might be: Sloppy Sam, Fabulous Frank, Clever Chloe, etc. I probably could have come up with something more creative and original, but the alliteration I used was Happy Hannah. 

I'm a happy person, right? 

Well, mostly. Actually, if someone were to only read this blog and not actually know me, they may think I was a mostly miserable person. My blogs haven't been particularly "happy" lately. Sorry about that. I tend to blog when I'm frustrated. So sue me. 

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I was having an absolutely terrible day. It was one of those, "I rolled out of bed on the right side of the bed. It's all of you stupid people who rolled out on the wrong side of the bed! Get out of my way! Can't you do anything right?" kind of days. I was just mad at the world, and I had no good reason. Which made me even more mad, because I know better than that. I needed an attitude adjustment. 

Really I'm sure it didn't seem that bad. I mean, I don't really get mad or take things out on people. It was mostly all just a storm of rage in my head. I hated it. 

It was a Sunday, and all through church I just wanted to bawl my eyes out. I wanted to go home and wallow in my misery and anger. Instead, I decided to make a list of everything I need to start doing on a regular basis to make my life better. It's not that I never do any of these things. I just don't do them regularly like I should. 

So, being the smart, educated, level-headed woman that I am, I created the "HOW TO IMPROVE MY LIFE" list.

• Be in bed by midnight
• Wake up by 8:00
• 30 minutes of daily scripture study
• 30 minutes of daily exercise
• Keep my bedroom clean
• Say my personal morning and night prayers
• Delegate responsibility
• Serve more
• Talk to my family at least once per week
• Make it to the temple at least twice per month

Pretty good list, eh? And I'm doing pretty well! All of these are well on their way to becoming established habits... except for keeping my room clean. I don't know if that will ever happen. 

So, yup. That's it. This post isn't super insightful or uplifting. It's just me trying to be a better person and be happy. I think it's working. 

Yours Truly.

I can't get up without a heart

Is it that wall you’ve built around yourself? I’ve seen that wall. I know that wall so well, and I’ve been pacing outside it for so long. I know every bump, every chip, every hard spot and soft spot. I know where it’s weak and where it’s strong. I know what parts are carefully cleaned and maintained, and what parts are neglected. I know what parts are thicker than others, and what spots are higher than others. I know where others have broken through, because the patch job is a complete mess. I know the spots where you’ve sat on top of that wall and talked to me, telling me about what’s on the other side, and what the wall is made of. And occasionally, while you’ve been distracted, I’ve climbed and I’ve stood on my tip toes to be able to see over the top of that wall for myself. I’ve seen what’s on the other side. I’ve sat there looking at all of it, wishing you would let me into your little kingdom. There are a lot of things on the other side of that wall, not all good but not all bad… and I love them all. I love every single last bit of what’s there. And, whether you know it or not, at some point I accidentally dropped a big chunk of my heart on the other side. It slipped out of my fingers while I was falling in love with you, and you weren’t there to catch it. It’s bruised from falling, and I can feel it hurting. But it’s yours now, and I can’t get it back.