Go with the flow

Well, Wednesday night I went to Angela's house for more instruction only to find out I'd messed up somehow (I think I put more stitches in there than I was supposed to), and my monster is going to be somewhat skewed. We were able to figure it out, adjust the pattern, and she showed me a new stitch that I needed to know to continue my project. Then she wrote down instructions for me to take home in order to do the next few rows. I came home and had them done in no time, but it really doesn't look all that different than it did before. It's just a little bit bigger. My next step is learning to do the legs/feet, which Angela said are the most tricky part. Can't wait!



Now, for the meat of the matter: FLOW. Have I ever been in flow? I believe so. One of my favorite things to do is play the piano withouth reading music. I just play, letting my fingers take control; as the notes come together even I am a little awed at the way my fingers just know where to go. The sad thing is sometimes I play something so beautiful, but I can't reproduce it because I don't remember what I played. The feeling that comes when I do this...I just play a melody constructed by my fingers right there in that moment...I can't imagine flow feeling any other way. There are no distractions; it's just me and the piano. As my fingers fly across the keys, I have to be aware of what chords I'm playing and what key I'm in so I know where to go next, but it just happens. I don't have to think about it very hard. People watching me or listening isn't a big deal to me since I have confidence in my abilities, and because of that confidence I feel in control over what happens next. An hour or two can easily pass without my knowledge. Only the aching in my back from sitting without back support for so long indicates that perhaps I've been playing longer than time permits. I don't really play to get better (even though I really should...I just haven't taken the time to challenge myself in a while); piano is my outlet for every emotion. The world makes sense, and everything that doesn't make sense doesn't matter anymore.

Like I said, when Angela gave me the instructions for the next few steps of making my little monster, I had it done in no time. I was a little surprised at how fast I was able to get it done, and how easily it came. Since I had done a little more with her watching me, I was pretty confident in what I was doing. Crocheting is proving to not be too challenging for me anymore since what I'm doing now has become more simple for me, and I don't really have to think about it too much. However, there is always more to learn. That's the nice thing about crochet, I think. What I'm doing now is quite simple compared to the endless other options for projects I hope to pursue, so even though I may get comfortable with it there is always the option to stretch myself just a little more. This being said, I think it would be easy for me to find flow in this occupation at some point...perhaps when I'm doing it just for the pure intrinsic value of it and not for a class. 

It is said that those with an autotelic personality spend more time in flow (Nakamura, J., & Csikszentmichalyi, M., 2002). Autotelic, meaning, rewarding in and of itself. People who have autotelic personalities do things for the sake of doing them, have a curiosity about life, are persistent, and have low self-centeredness. They are open to new challenges, and live ready to engage and persist in high-challenge activities. These characteristics help to maximize their time spent in flow. So, here's the thing... I consider myself to have many of these characteristics, but I would honestly say I haven't spent all that much time in flow throughout my life. I'm always looking for something more, and it has only been in the last few years that I've learned to be more content with where I am in life. But when I was younger, I couldn't wait to grow up. By the time I was twelve I had a list written up which planned out my life's monumental events by age up until I was twenty five. It went something like:

13: Allowed to shave my legs
14: I can go to dances and wear make-up
15: I'll get my permit
16: Driver's licence, start college, and allowed to date
17: (This was a bummer year. Didn't really have anything planned.)
18: Move out and go to BYUI

...and so on and so forth. There was always something more...something better...to look forward to. And I just couldn't wait to get there. I think I'm just a very goal driven individual, but that made it so that I was never content (this would be how I got to be in a master's program by twenty years old). When I was sixteen and diagnosed with non-Hodgkins T-cell Lymphoblastic Lymphoma, life decided to teach me a few things. This included learning to be happy with what I have when I have it. Since then, I think it's been easier for me to find flow in the things I do. However, it's still hard for me to be perfectly content, and I continuously have to have a future goal in mind. Occasionally I allow myself to be lost in a moment, not caring what happens next...just like when I play my piano. Maybe that's normal? I don't really know. This influences my occupations because I am always looking for ways to get what I want faster, and I choose occupations that will help me get there. 

Maybe it's a problem. Maybe not. I guess the whole "go with the flow" thing may just be a never ending search. 

I'll let you know if I find it.


References
Nakamura, J., & Csikszentmichalyi, M. (2002). The concept of flow. In C.R. Snyder & S. J. Lopeses (Eds.), Handbook of positive psychology (pp. 89-105). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.