Why not me?

Well, this Wednesday my best friend left to serve an 18 month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the Nevada, Las Vegas Mission. I haven't really been able to dwell on it much without bursting into tears. It's just hard to imaging going that long without talking to her, laughing with her, or singing together. But, for as much as I already miss her and don't know what I'll do without my Julie, I have to ask myself, "What will the people of the Las Vegas Mission do without my Julie?" (...and here come the water works). She is one of the strongest, most insightful, beautiful, and inspirational people I know, and I am so, so proud of her for following her heart and the Spirit's promptings as she goes to serve the Lord and change lives through the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

This brings me to my problem. I'm incredibly jealous. Julie is not my only friend to be serving a mission; in fact, I could easily name several of my lady friends who have left or who are preparing to leave on full time missions, and I'm so proud of all of them. My little sister is among them, and you have no idea how much that kills me. As much as I would LOVE to serve a mission, I just don't feel like that's what I'm supposed to do. When I was little, I was completely set on it. I wanted to go to Spain. Then, as I grew up and realized that my life plan couldn't be set in stone and that I needed to be a little more flexible, I decided to just wait and see what life was like for me when I got to be 21. If at that point I wasn't married and felt that going on a mission was in the Lord's plan for me, then I would go. This being said, as I got to about 17 or 18 years old, I just somehow knew that going on a mission would not be in the cards for me. It hurt a little bit, but I found comfort in trusting that I would have a different mission to fulfill for the Lord. Of course, I naturally assumed that this mission would have something to do with marriage and children. 

Now, here I am. I know I'm still young and have time, but I'm nowhere close to being married. I'm almost 21, and yet that is now irrelevant considering the age for sister missionaries was lowered to 19.  I'm in a master's program, ultimately, for a back-up plan since all I want to do is be a wife and mother and build the Lord's kingdom. And I'm watching all of my friends either go on missions or be married in the temple. Honestly, I can't help feeling a little left behind, and I occasionally look toward heaven just to ask, "Why not me?" It especially burns that my little sister will get to go. When we were little and shared a queen sized bed, it would infuriate me if I even woke up in the morning to find that she had woken up before me...so you can see where I'm coming from, right? Needless to say, I'm having a bit of a hard time with it all. 

So, there's my rant. I'm not sure I've come to any conclusion about it, other than I must be here for a reason. As long as I'm keeping the commandments and doing what the Lord wants me to do, I'm fulfilling some mission, whether I realize it or not. Maybe one day I'll look back and say, "Oh, that's why I was supposed to be in Pocatello, ID." And you never know, something might be right around the corner. In any case, I'm slowly coming to find that no matter where I am, I can always be building the Lord's kingdom. 

Yours Truly