Flushing toilets

This...

...has {figuratively} become this.

This week little Glenita grew some legs! Ok, stumps. I didn't finish them yet. The legs have been the hardest part so far, just because they require a lot of concentration and counting the stitches to make sure I do it right. I like it better when I can just do the stitching without having to count. But it's coming along! It'll be nice when I actually can finish. Funny how at the beginning of the semester I thought I'd be able to whip out a whole bunch of little creations, but I'm just barely getting to give Glenita legs. She has become an emblem of this semester. Little by little, I'm getting closer to the end, and I'm proud of the work I've done. However, in the end, she will still be a monster.

In the article for this week, Cantor and Sandborn (1999) talk about resources and how they enable us to participate in meaningful activities. These resources are more than just temporal; they include personal and social resources as well. Personal resources are traits, characteristics, health, and strategies we have and use to our advantage (or disadvantage) and can be directly related to our participation and well-being. Social resources are things like friends, family, and other support groups we surround ourselves with. And then there are the temporal or material resources like income or status. 

Thinking about resources has really made me reflect on just how blessed I have been in my life. I have not gone without in any of these categories. In fact, I think I have received much more than I deserve. I have always had access to the best life participation I could ask for, and I have my parents to thank for that. From loving care, to t-ball, to soccer, to daddy-daughter dates, to band lessons, to religion, to homeschooling, to friends and social life, to piano lessons, to medical care, to my college education... I have just simply had the best. And maybe not everyone sees it that way, but for me specifically, I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel like I have had the best. 

In all of these things, my personal resources give me the enthusiasm to try new things, determination to continue and do well even if it was hard, the ability to make friends easily, and the coping skills for when I feel defeated. My social resources have provided and continue to provide incontestable support and encouragement for all of my endeavors. My family and friends give much needed advice, shoulders to cry on, stress relieving laughter and peace, the comfort of being cared for, fulfill my desire to be there for others, and so much more. Although at times I've totally owned the title "starving college student," material resources have rarely been lacking throughout my life. My needs have always been met, as well as many of my wants. I grew up in a lovely home that my dad worked hard to build, my parents always made sure I had decent things to wear (even if my clothes were often homemade, given to us, or from the thrift store), ate well, could afford piano lessons as well as a beautiful baby grand for us to play, had reliable transportation to take us places, made sure to provide good education and book shelves which lined the walls filled with countless number of books to read, and participated in activities that unified our family and helped us make good friends, as well activities which helped us recognize our interests, our strengths, and our weaknesses. 

I really could not ask for a better life. Now, as I continue through grad school and some of the other "messy" parts of my life, I really question if I'm good enough. Have I set my goals too high and overestimated what I am capable of? Have I set myself up to fail?

One time, when I was little, I accidentally flushed my swim suit down the toilet. Don't ask me how cause I don't remember. It just happened. I remember standing there watching it go around in circles before getting sucked into the piping, panicking because I didn't know what to do and it was all happening so fast. That's sort of how I feel about my life participation right now. I'm watching it spin quickly in circles and on it's way to a never ending and particularly unappealing abyss. I stood there for a while after the swim suit was gone, not really knowing what to do and wondering if I should even tell my mom. Well, I did, and luckily the swim suit hadn't gotten too far. Being the genius that most mothers are, she got a wire hanger, untwisted it, and went fishing. She was eventually able to snag the swim suit, pull it out of the piping and take it straight to the garbage. I was never to wear the swim suit ever again. This is where my resources come in. No matter the panic I feel and sometimes display, and although my life participation may swirl away till I can no longer see it and it seems that all hope is gone, it's still within reach. And if I take responsibility and seek for help when I need it (personal resource-knowing to go to Mom), accept ideas and comfort from others (social support-Mom), and get creative with the tools I already have (material resource-wire hanger), I just might come out OK. In this case, the swim suit got thrown away because it went down a toilet. But in the case of life, I'm hoping I come out for the better, and the resources available to me give me ever reason to do so. I just have to remember to count my blessings, not my problems. Remember that I am on the right track and have the determination to keep on going. Remember that amazing people stand beside me, and they won't let me fall. Remember that my needs are met and I will be just fine. And even though some days, the only reason to believe I'll come out alive is that no one has died yet, I'll remember that I knew at one point that I could do this, and that hasn't changed. I will be an awesome occupational therapist. Just you wait and see.

Yours Truly

Resources
Cantor, N., & Sanderson, C. A. (1999). Life task participation and well-being: The importance of taking part in daily life. In D. Kahneman, E. Deiner, & N. Schwarts (Eds.) Well-being: The foundations of hedonic psychology (pp. 230-243). New York, NY: Russell Sage Foundation.

Do be do be do...

I'll be honest, the last time I was at Angela's house I left Glenita (that's what the little monster has been named) there, and I haven't been back to pick her up. So there hasn't been much progression on that front! Glenita is just sitting there, legless. Hopefully I'll be able to finish that part this week. 

So how does crocheting shape my identity? Kind of a funny question. But since what we do defines who we are, it goes a little deeper than we might realize. Christiansen proposes that identities are closely related to what we do and our interpretations of those actions, as well as other's interpretations of those actions. One point he makes is that when people are being introduced, it is common for the question to be asked, "What do you do?" This is how our identities shape and are shaped by our relationships with others. Now, I'm probably not going to say, "I crochet," when asked what I do. I'll say I'm a full-time student and I work in a bakery. Why? Why not say that I crochet? I think it stems back to my goals. Christiansen also says that as adults, our identities are oriented towards goals. Why do we do what we do? 

I crochet for pleasure, for this class, and so that I can make cute baby booties and hats for my children someday. 

I go to school so that I can get a good education and, by the worlds standard, be successful. I want to learn and be a competent individual. 

I work so that I can make money to get through school and pay my rent.

All of these are occupations worthy of my time, but when I'm being introduced to someone, what is my goal? I'm trying to become a certain kind of person here, and I want people to know that. From my point of view, being a crochet expert doesn't sit very high on the totem pole as far as competency goes. And depending on who I'm talking to (usually other students and teachers), it's not very high on their totem pole either. Going to school and being a hard worker is. That's an identity I want to uphold. That's a goal I want to achieve. This is where the "looking glass theory," developed by Cooley, comes in. This means that "the reactions of others reflect their approval and disapproval and thus constitute a primary means of developing an awareness of ourselves." We seek to present images of ourselves to those around us. While I'm not a big fan of this theory because I would like to believe that I do the things I do for their intrinsic value and not for some social approval, it tends to ring true in so many ways. 

Because, would anything you do... anything at all... matter if  you were the only person on earth? 

So either everything we do is purely for other people and has nothing to do with having an approved identity, or it's to gain their approval and achieve our own self-serving goals. I'd like to believe the first, but something tells me the latter is more prevalent. It's human nature, I guess. But in my opinion, it is often a mixture of the two.

Sinatra knew what was up.

So how do I feel about all this? Christiansen talks about this whole "I" and "me" concept and how they're different. The way I understand it, the "I" does stuff, and the result is the "me." So how do I see myself? That's a really hard question, to be honest. I see myself as someone trying to do the right things, be competent, be cooperative, and just get somewhere. Maybe that "somewhere" is graduation, or feeling valued by my roommates, or getting married... and maybe some days it's just getting to my bed at the end of the day. The things "I" do definitely effect "me," and I think they effect where that "somewhere" is each day, because it does change. I think that's the beautiful thing about an identity. It's an evolving narrative, not written in stone. By changing what we do we can change who we are, and who we are determines where we want to be, and that determines what we do. See how that cycle works?

The "I" in crocheting hasn't really effected the "me" yet... at least I don't think it has. Who knows, maybe one day I'll look back and say, "Hey, that little Glenita monster sure did give me a different perspective on myself!" You just never know how what you do may effect who you are. 

Yours Truly

References
Christiansen, C. H. (1999). Defining lives: Occupation as identity: An essay on competence, coherence, and the creation of meaning. The American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 53, 547-548.

The real question is, how much do I care?

Entity theory: You are who you are, you have what you have, and you can't really change any of it. You're born with certain qualities, and you're not going to get anywhere trying to obtain other ones.

Incremental theory: No matter who you are or what your circumstances may be, you have the power to change through the effort you put in.

Let me put this out there: If I had to pick a side... incremental theory all the way. You know... the whole "GO, FIGHT, WIN!" thing. And, "Never give up!" Oh, and don't forget, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

Maybe society just thinks we look like a better, more optimistic people if we say stuff like that. But do we really believe it? I'm sure you're all thinking, "But, of course! How could you even consider the thought that we are stuck as we are and not able to improve?" Believe me, that was my thought when I read this article about self-theories too. But the more I think about it, I'm not sure I can pick a side. Because as I read about entity theorists, I found myself thinking, "But I do that sometimes...don't I think I can be better?" Yes. I do. 

So here's what I think. No one purely believes or lives one theory or another. In everything we do there is a mixture of both. However... there is also this thought. What if so called "entity theorists" do believe that they could get better if they tried, but they don't [care] enough to find out? Just a thought. Cause that's what I found myself thinking about me. When I take an exam and do poorly on it, I don't think I'm bad at that subject. Actually, I usually know for a fact that I could have prepared much better and tried harder, and I would have done better if I had. But when I get the exam back (this is a characteristic of an entity theorist) it's rare that I will go back through to study what I did wrong. But it's not because I'm merely accepting the possibility that I might just be bad at that subject and that I shouldn't waste my time on improving in that area. No. It's simply because I don't [care] enough! And a large part of me is sure that I'm in good company. Anyway... like I said... just a thought. 

Ok. So if I did have to pick things I do which I TEND (not purely attribute to, since I believe everything we do has parts of both theories) to apply to one theory or another, this is what they would be:

Entity theory: 

• My running abilities (or lack thereof). I've tried, people. So many times I've decided, "I am going to be a good runner!" So I work at it, but to no avail. My body is just not made to run very far.
• My affinity for children. So basically anything that involves kids, I'm your girl. It could be part of just being a woman and having that innate nurturing intuition, but this isn't the case for all women, so I don't really know. It's just something I'm good at and love.
• My artistic talents. Music, decorating, organizing, color scheming... the right side of my brain just must have had a head start on development or something. Or I could attribute it to my perfectionism (not in everything... but this category, yes). 

Incremental theory:

• Math. Oh, the struggles I've had with math. When I was younger, I definitely had an entity theorists point of view for this subject. I was convinced I was just NOT good at it at ALL.  I hated it with a passion. After getting through my associates degree but having ever only made it part way through Algebra 1, I decided I'd better educate myself a little more rather than take the chance of looking like a total idiot someday. So even though it wasn't required for my studies, I started taking math classes at BYUI. I was scared for my life, but for some reason (going back to my idea that it's how much you [care] about the subject), I wanted to be better and was determined to improve. Little by little I allowed myself to believe that I might actually be good at math. The more I believed that, the more I enjoyed it. The next semester I took another algebra class, and I honestly looked forward to it! I was good at math! Why did I never think so before? One day I was in the math lab finishing up some homework before class when a bunch of my other classmates came to complete the same assignment. I breezed through it and got up to leave. When the others saw that I was done they started asking me to help them understand the assignment. Before I knew it, even with a bunch of math tutors standing around, I was the one showing a group of five or six college students how to do math! Me! Me? ME! The math hater. I found myself thinking, "This is fun!" and then immediately afterwards, "What did you just think?!" I felt like I was betraying myself, but I was finally good at it! Why not enjoy it?! (Not saying I'm a math whiz now... I'm a bit rusty.)
• Baking bread. I love to make bread, but it's not like it was a one day thing where "Bam! You're a bread maker!" My mom makes the most delicious bread, and I really wanted to make bread just like she did. But, I never [cared] enough to learn while I was living at home. So when I moved out I would call her, asking questions, and panicking about ruining the bread. Now I can make pretty darn good bread, but I'm still working on getting it to be as perfect as hers.

So how do these theories affect my occupations currently? The main occupations that stand out to me are school and work. In school, I know I'm not the best of the bunch. I've gotten used to that fact. But that doesn't mean that I stop trying to be better and beat my personal best. Apparently it was good enough to get me to where I am, and now I just have to make it even better so I can get to where I want to be. At work, I know that I'm a good, hard worker. I take pride in my work. But that doesn't mean I know everything about the bakery, where things go, or how things work. Just tonight I had to write a note asking where I could find more hot cocoa mix. I'm still learning, and how much I learn is going to be conditional on my effort.

In my new occupation, it's the same deal as the rest of it. To me, it's a mixture of the theories. I feel like I'm good with my hands and a fast learner. I also feel like if I don't put forth the effort to learn the different stitches or what kind of yarn is good for what, I won't get anywhere very fast. It's not like I was born knowing how to perform a "stitch through" stitch or the best way to hold the crochet hook. But I [care] and want to learn. That's the kicker.

Yours Truly

If you're interested and not afraid of a little religion, I wrote something the other day which I tie self-theories into and which you might like to read. This is it: I believe in trying harder

References

Dweck, C. S., & Molden, D. C. (2005). Self –theories: Their impact on competence motivation and acquisition. In A. J. Elliot, & C. S. Dweck (Eds.), Handbook of competence and motivation (pp. 122-140). New York, NY: Guilford Press.