Monday, April 29, 2013

Got hope?

The semester is almost over, and soon I will not be required to crochet anymore. So will I? I think the answer is yes. However, I don't see myself getting into it much more than I have for quite some time, and I will probably take a bit of a break from it to begin with. This will mostly be due to the fact that it's getting nice out and there is no way you will find me sitting inside crocheting little monsters when I could be throwing a frisbee or going on a hike. However, I feel that I have benefited from my new occupation and am glad for what I've learned. I feel a sense of pride when I look at little Glenita, and I would like to to make more things as to foster that successful feeling. I've also had fun with it, and because of the endless options for crocheting, I know that there will always be something new and fun I could make. 

This being said, I really don't know how to apply crocheting to the concept of hope discussed by Spencer, Davidson, & While (1997). In the article, hope is defined as "a general state of positive belief about the future." So how does that relate to crocheting? My feelings about hope run very deep and are connected to my strongest fears, dreams, sentiments, and values. But crocheting is a pretty superficial activity in comparison with others which mean so much more to me. The activities which I find great meaning in are intertwined with those emotions which I associate with hope. For example, I find great meaning in the occupation of baking because my mother is a wonderful baker and I hope to be as good as she is someday. No just so that I can bake well, but because my mom is also my hero and my role model. I want to be just like her in every way. That is where my hope lies, and it can be connected with the occupation of baking. But crocheting? As much as I have enjoyed my experience learning to crochet, that deeper meaning is still lacking; therefore, so is the hope. I would like to continue crocheting, but I don't think I hope for it. 


Hope has almost a sacred essence in my mind. It is so much more than just a desire for future events. It is what you dream to become and how you wish others to speak of you when you're gone. It is the way you envision your heart. Is it hard, cold, numb? Or is it large and strong, beating loudly, with purpose, and filled with all the love you can possibly possess? Hope is kindness, because you long to instill a desire for a better tomorrow in the lives you touch. Hope is faith - a faith in yourself, in others, in yesterday, in God, in peace, in trust... in anything. Hope is love - a love for every good thing. It is a love which holds beauty... and is alright with letting everyone else have some. A love which none of us deserve, but it's what we are meant to feel. It heals. It supports. It binds. It gives. It smiles, and makes my hearts smile too. 


Maybe I'm just a little girl, naive to so much of what is out there. But, no matter what, no one deserves to be without hope. 



“Hope is the thing with feathers 
That perches in the soul 
And sings the tune without the words 
And never stops at all.” 
 Emily Dickinson


Be hopeful, and never forget.

Yours Truly


Spencer, J., Davidson, H., &White, V. (1997). Helping clients develop hopes for the future. The American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 51, 191-198.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Intrinsic rewards

Glenita the monster is practically complete. She is now stuffed and her legs are finished! I'll probably be finishing just in time for the end of the semester. Couldn't have planned it any better!

After watching the video "Half Man, Full Life," I've decided to relate it to the concept of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. The film highlighted the life of Jessie, a man who was born with lumbosacral agenesis. This mean that the lumbar section of his spine was missing and his legs and the nerves in that area of the spine never fully developed. The legs he was born with were eventually amputated and he was forced to function by walking on his hands or with the use of a wheel chair. Despite his physical handicap, Jessie never let it get him down or keep him from participating in anything and everything he ever wanted to do. Starting two businesses, installing satellite dishes, dating and marriage, fatherhood, swimming, and several other endeavors were never too impossible for Jessie to pursue. His life is an extraordinary example of not giving up and making the most of what you have. Jessie stated, "I'm not handicapped; I just don't have any legs."

In my opinion, Jessie is completely full of intrinsic motivation for the occupations he participates in. His determination and enthusiasm for life come from within himself as he seeks to find self-fulfillment through what he does and doing it well despite his disability. I believe that if more people were like Jessie and lived their lives to the fullest in spite of the challenges they face, many problems would be solved and people would be more satisfied as they experienced the intrinsic rewards brought about by such a good attitude. Intrinsic motivation and rewards are highly important for a satisfactory life. When I grow up, I want to be like Jessie.

Monday, April 15, 2013

"Love each other or die"

Glenita is almost finished! Really I just need to stuff her, finish the legs, and attach the arms and ears. It really has gotten easier to do as time has gone on. I can sit and watch a TV show while doing it and not have to concentrate hardly at all. I plan to continue crocheting as times goes on and hopefully expand on the skills I've learned. 

Watching the video Morrie: Lessons on Living was very enlightening, and it evoked within me a deeper side of what it means to live. Often I think that as long as I'm surviving, I'm living. No matter how thinly stretched I become, no matter how bored I can get, and no matter how inadequate I feel, I often convince myself that I'm doing just fine as as long as I am pushing through and surviving, I'm living. WRONG. Do you know what it means to live? Really live? Morrie does. And I thought I did. I guess I'm finding that I'm not young enough to know everything anymore. 

As Morrie was facing death every single day, he gained so much wisdom and insight as to the meaning of life. Part of that meaning was made evident in the way he talked about his occupations, and how he would feel when he was no longer able to do them. The way he saw it, life wouldn't be worth living if he couldn't continue doing the things that made him who he was. In his disease, ALS, the movements of his hands and his ability to use his voice would inevitably become extinct. As Morrie contemplated this, he stated, "What will I do without control of my hands? I'm a Jewish man! I talk with my hands. I use certain words and inflections. Who will I be when they are gone?" Also, in contemplating the fact that he would become unresponsive at some point, his comment was, "When that is gone, Morrie is gone." This makes clear the connection between occupation and identity. Morrie felt that the loss of his voice and hands would impair his ability to fulfill his role in the Jewish culture, and even the very core of who he was. In his mind, it would be better to "continue to live by ceasing to live."

Morrie highlighted seven points to keep in mind throughout life and the dying process. These are:

1) Talk about it
2) Accept it
3) Keep an open heart, and continue to open it
4) Be involved and aware 
5) Be compassionate to yourself and others
6) Treat yourself gently; be kind to yourself
7) Take responsibility for yourself

This is what living is. This is what meaningful occupation facilitates. This is why we're here. I want to just share a few of my favorite quotes from the movie:

"Interaction, relationships, and love keep me alive."
"Maybe the distance between life and death isn't as great as you think." 
"[Life] is only a little bridge across a small river."
"Don't let go of things too soon, but don't hold on for too long. Find the balance."
"You're not a wave; you're just part of the ocean."
"There will be much love passing between us. You don't need speech or hearing for that."
"I  have no shame. My dignity comes from my inner self."
"Love each other or die."

Through Morrie's example, we can see the potential impact we may have on the world. My thoughts turn to the recent bombing at the Boston Marathon. There is tragedy and heartache everywhere we turn. Don't let it consume you. Don't become a part of it. When you see an opportunity, take it. When there is a friendship to be made, make it. When there is love and joy to be shared, share it. Life really is just a little bridge over a small river. Don't take a single step for granted. And above all, take each step with gratitude, hope, courage, and the fullest heart you can muster. Just love, because that is living.

Yours Truly


Monday, April 8, 2013

Intrinsically, utterly, fabulously, autonomous

I made some good progress this week! Glenita now has a face, ears, and arms! She is so cute! In order to do this I had to learn how to crochet in a circle, which was hard at first but then I got the hang of it and was whipping out ears and arms left and right. I can't put them on her until after I stuff her, and I can't do that until I'm ready to do the legs. I considered putting up a picture of her face, but I'd rather leave you in suspense :)

This week we discussed how different types of motivation can affect a person's well being and occupational performance. I think I can best relate my crocheting experience, and really any occupation I engage in, to the section of the article regarding the additive or un-additive concept of intrinsic and external rewards. This is kind of how I understood it best. So if I engage in an occupation which gives me 10 hypothetical points of intrinsic meaning, then all of the sudden am offered 5 points of extrinsic reward for doing it, my sense of satisfaction does not add up to 15 points. What happens is the intrinsic motivation goes down to 5 points, the extrinsic reward makes up the other 5 points, and I still only have 10 points of motivation and satisfaction in that occupation. With this understanding, one can understand the phenomenon of how increasing extrinsic motivation will decrease intrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation is not only limited to rewards, but also punishments, deadlines, threats, and surveillance. This is where I related the most to the article. In my crocheting, in the beginning it was harder to enjoy and find satisfaction when I had to crochet because I had to have something to report. My intrinsic motivation was decreased because the extrinsic factors were more demanding. This is not just the case with crochet. I've been this way my whole life. If my mom ever told me that I should go get some exercise, there was no way I was going to do it. It had to be my idea. If my dad told me to make my bed, I did it very grudgingly or avoided doing it at all. I was never too much of a trouble child with larger issues, but the little things bothered me. I want to do something because I want to do it and I find it intrinsically rewarding, not because it's expected by anyone else. I hate feeling pressured or controlled. 

Intrinsic motivation is very important to me and my occupational performance and success. With intrinsic, or autonomous, motivation, one is given a choice as to what occupations they engage in and their volitional components are increased and benefited. This has been a very large part of my endeavors and goals. I choose what I want to do and how to do it, and I do it because it has meaning to me personally. I feel I have found more intrinsic motivation and meaning in crochet as I have continued learning the skill, and the extrinsic reward is not so dominant anymore. I mean, of course I still want  a good grade, but I actually have begun to like doing it just for the satisfaction it brings. It's a refreshing and great feeling to engage in something just because it makes you feel good about yourself. Finding intrinsic meaning in our occupations can do that. Sounds a lot like what OT's do, doesn't it?

Yours Truly

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2008). Facilitating optimal motivation and psychological well-being across life's domains. Canadian Psychology, 49, 14-23.


Monday, April 1, 2013

Apparently I died of boredom

Back to blogging again! Joy. Well, I know it's been two weeks, but little Glenita is just the same as she was last time. As I went to visit Grandmother in the mountains and glue myself to my computer in an effort to finish my capstone, Glenita sat lonely here in Pocatello, still just with little stumps for her legs. I guess I could have taken her with me, but it's hard when you don't know what to do next and you're relying on another individual for the information to move forward. Our schedules just haven't meshed well lately and I'm stuck. We'll have to make it happen this week.


The topic for this week is boredom. The article never really did give a clear definition for what boredom was; it only said that it is a poorly understood phenomenon. So, that left me wondering what it means to be bored.  I found a quote by Leo Stein which says, "Boredom is an emptiness filled with insistance." This study on boredom related in the article stated that boredom for many people was "an extremely unpleasant feeling, possibly worse than any other." Really?? I found that interesting. Some said that it caused life to lose all meaning and purpose. I think we've got some extremists on our hands. However, I would agree with the description of boredom coming as a result of stress, agitation, restlessness, and entrapment, combined with lethargy. Along with these feelings, boredom was also described as an inability to attend or focus. This description perfectly describes my experience of working on my capstone this past week. But was I bored? I wouldn't have said so, but now I don't really know. 

The song, "Flowers on the Wall" by Dailey and Vincent is a good example of boredom. If you're interested, here are the lyrics:

I keep hearin' you're concerned about my happiness
But all that thought you're givin' me is conscience I guess
If I was walkin' in your shoes, I wouldn't worry none
While you 'n' your friends are worried about me I'm havin' lots of fun

[Chorus:]
Countin' flowers on the wall
That don't bother me at all
Playin' solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one
Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo
Now don't tell me I've nothin' to do

Last night I dressed in tails, pretended I was on the town
As long as I can dream it's hard to slow this swinger down
So please don't give a thought to me. I'm really doin' fine
You can always find me here, I'm havin' quite a time
[Chorus]

It's good do see you, I must go. I know I look a fright
Anyway my yes are not accustomed to this light
And my shoes are not accustomed to this hard concrete
So I must go back to my room and make my day complete
[Chorus]


This song most related to the portion of the article addressing strategies to overcome boredom. It states that the most common method used by people trying to overcome boredom was trying to find alternative things to do. Me? I tend to make food, clean, or dink around on my guitar when I'm bored. Not that I have any time to be bored. I'm in grad school for goodness sake. 

Out of sheer curiosity and because I had no idea what it was, I actually went and looked up Captain Kangaroo on YouTube. If I had to describe it, I would have said it was like the '70's version of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, and I'd argue that one would have to be pretty blasted bored to sit and watch it. However, interestingly enough, the little clip I watched included a bunch of stuffed animal puppets riding on a bus singing a song which I felt could easily be related to boredom. Oh, the irony. The lyrics to the song were:


In a lopsided ramshackle bus 
we ride from day to day 
we bounce and we bump and we rattle a long 
we rattle along on our way 
Every year it’s a hassle for us
to get from June to May
but somehow or other, by hook or by crook
we rattle along on our way
Every time that we start to fall all apart
and we’re near the end of our rope
a screwball comes through with a gimmick that’s new
and our hearts go crazy with hope
We hop on our lopsided bus
and chase another day
as happy as candles that shine on a cake
as gay as the bells on a sleigh
We rattle a long, we rattle along, we rattle along on our way
We rattle a long, we rattle along, and try to find our way. 

Sometimes I wonder if we are too often bored with our lives, whatever your definition of bored may be. We just rattle along on a lopsided bus until something new comes along and we are entertained for a little while. But most of the time, we go through the hum drum monotony of our lives and restlessly "chase another day" as we "try to find our way." I know I get pretty bored with my life sometimes. Funny how just because you're busier than Satan and never seem to run out of things to do, you can still be bored.  The trick is learning to be "happy as candles that shine on a cake and gay as the bells on a sleigh" as we go through it all. The last sentence of the article really resonated with me. It says, "If we could learn to pay more attention both to ourselves and to our environment, learning to accept and appreciate the present moment, we might have richer lives." That is truth people, and it's something I need to do more. Appreciate the present moment.  Count your blessings, not your problems. Then you'll never get bored :)




Martin, M., Sadlo, G., & Stew, G. (2006) The phenomanon of boredom. Qualitative Research in Psychology, 3, 193-211.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Flushing toilets

This...
...has {figuratively} become this.
This week little Glenita grew some legs! Ok, stumps. I didn't finish them yet. The legs have been the hardest part so far, just because they require a lot of concentration and counting the stitches to make sure I do it right. I like it better when I can just do the stitching without having to count. But it's coming along! It'll be nice when I actually can finish. Funny how at the beginning of the semester I thought I'd be able to whip out a whole bunch of little creations, but I'm just barely getting to give Glenita legs. She has become an emblem of this semester. Little by little, I'm getting closer to the end, and I'm proud of the work I've done. However, in the end, she will still be a monster.

In the article for this week, Cantor and Sandborn (1999) talk about resources and how they enable us to participate in meaningful activities. These resources are more than just temporal; they include personal and social resources as well. Personal resources are traits, characteristics, health, and strategies we have and use to our advantage (or disadvantage) and can be directly related to our participation and well-being. Social resources are things like friends, family, and other support groups we surround ourselves with. And then there are the temporal or material resources like income or status. 

Thinking about resources has really made me reflect on just how blessed I have been in my life. I have not gone without in any of these categories. In fact, I think I have received much more than I deserve. I have always had access to the best life participation I could ask for, and I have my parents to thank for that. From loving care, to t-ball, to soccer, to daddy-daughter dates, to band lessons, to religion, to homeschooling, to friends and social life, to piano lessons, to medical care, to my college education... I have just simply had the best. And maybe not everyone sees it that way, but for me specifically, I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel like I have had the best. 

In all of these things, my personal resources give me the enthusiasm to try new things, determination to continue and do well even if it was hard, the ability to make friends easily, and the coping skills for when I feel defeated. My social resources have provided and continue to provide incontestable support and encouragement for all of my endeavors. My family and friends give much needed advice, shoulders to cry on, stress relieving laughter and peace, the comfort of being cared for, fulfill my desire to be there for others, and so much more. Although at times I've totally owned the title "starving college student," material resources have rarely been lacking throughout my life. My needs have always been met, as well as many of my wants. I grew up in a lovely home that my dad worked hard to build, my parents always made sure I had decent things to wear (even if my clothes were often homemade, given to us, or from the thrift store), ate well, could afford piano lessons as well as a beautiful baby grand for us to play, had reliable transportation to take us places, made sure to provide good education and book shelves which lined the walls filled with countless number of books to read, and participated in activities that unified our family and helped us make good friends, as well activities which helped us recognize our interests, our strengths, and our weaknesses. 

I really could not ask for a better life. Now, as I continue through grad school and some of the other "messy" parts of my life, I really question if I'm good enough. Have I set my goals too high and overestimated what I am capable of? Have I set myself up to fail?

One time, when I was little, I accidentally flushed my swim suit down the toilet. Don't ask me how cause I don't remember. It just happened. I remember standing there watching it go around in circles before getting sucked into the piping, panicking because I didn't know what to do and it was all happening so fast. That's sort of how I feel about my life participation right now. I'm watching it spin quickly in circles and on it's way to a never ending and particularly unappealing abyss. I stood there for a while after the swim suit was gone, not really knowing what to do and wondering if I should even tell my mom. Well, I did, and luckily the swim suit hadn't gotten too far. Being the genius that most mothers are, she got a wire hanger, untwisted it, and went fishing. She was eventually able to snag the swim suit, pull it out of the piping and take it straight to the garbage. I was never to wear the swim suit ever again. This is where my resources come in. No matter the panic I feel and sometimes display, and although my life participation may swirl away till I can no longer see it and it seems that all hope is gone, it's still within reach. And if I take responsibility and seek for help when I need it (personal resource-knowing to go to Mom), accept ideas and comfort from others (social support-Mom), and get creative with the tools I already have (material resource-wire hanger), I just might come out OK. In this case, the swim suit got thrown away because it went down a toilet. But in the case of life, I'm hoping I come out for the better, and the resources available to me give me ever reason to do so. I just have to remember to count my blessings, not my problems. Remember that I am on the right track and have the determination to keep on going. Remember that amazing people stand beside me, and they won't let me fall. Remember that my needs are met and I will be just fine. And even though some days, the only reason to believe I'll come out alive is that no one has died yet, I'll remember that I knew at one point that I could do this, and that hasn't changed. I will be an awesome occupational therapist. Just you wait and see.

Yours Truly

Resources
Cantor, N., & Sanderson, C. A. (1999). Life task participation and well-being: The importance of taking part in daily life. In D. Kahneman, E. Deiner, & N. Schwarts (Eds.) Well-being: The foundations of hedonic psychology (pp. 230-243). New York, NY: Russell Sage Foundation.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Do be do be do...

I'll be honest, the last time I was at Angela's house I left Glenita (that's what the little monster has been named) there, and I haven't been back to pick her up. So there hasn't been much progression on that front! Glenita is just sitting there, legless. Hopefully I'll be able to finish that part this week. 

So how does crocheting shape my identity? Kind of a funny question. But since what we do defines who we are, it goes a little deeper than we might realize. Christiansen proposes that identities are closely related to what we do and our interpretations of those actions, as well as other's interpretations of those actions. One point he makes is that when people are being introduced, it is common for the question to be asked, "What do you do?" This is how our identities shape and are shaped by our relationships with others. Now, I'm probably not going to say, "I crochet," when asked what I do. I'll say I'm a full-time student and I work in a bakery. Why? Why not say that I crochet? I think it stems back to my goals. Christiansen also says that as adults, our identities are oriented towards goals. Why do we do what we do? 

I crochet for pleasure, for this class, and so that I can make cute baby booties and hats for my children someday. 

I go to school so that I can get a good education and, by the worlds standard, be successful. I want to learn and be a competent individual. 

I work so that I can make money to get through school and pay my rent.

All of these are occupations worthy of my time, but when I'm being introduced to someone, what is my goal? I'm trying to become a certain kind of person here, and I want people to know that. From my point of view, being a crochet expert doesn't sit very high on the totem pole as far as competency goes. And depending on who I'm talking to (usually other students and teachers), it's not very high on their totem pole either. Going to school and being a hard worker is. That's an identity I want to uphold. That's a goal I want to achieve. This is where the "looking glass theory," developed by Cooley, comes in. This means that "the reactions of others reflect their approval and disapproval and thus constitute a primary means of developing an awareness of ourselves." We seek to present images of ourselves to those around us. While I'm not a big fan of this theory because I would like to believe that I do the things I do for their intrinsic value and not for some social approval, it tends to ring true in so many ways. 

Because, would anything you do... anything at all... matter if  you were the only person on earth? 

So either everything we do is purely for other people and has nothing to do with having an approved identity, or it's to gain their approval and achieve our own self-serving goals. I'd like to believe the first, but something tells me the latter is more prevalent. It's human nature, I guess. But in my opinion, it is often a mixture of the two.

Sinatra knew what was up.
So how do I feel about all this? Christiansen talks about this whole "I" and "me" concept and how they're different. The way I understand it, the "I" does stuff, and the result is the "me." So how do I see myself? That's a really hard question, to be honest. I see myself as someone trying to do the right things, be competent, be cooperative, and just get somewhere. Maybe that "somewhere" is graduation, or feeling valued by my roommates, or getting married... and maybe some days it's just getting to my bed at the end of the day. The things "I" do definitely effect "me," and I think they effect where that "somewhere" is each day, because it does change. I think that's the beautiful thing about an identity. It's an evolving narrative, not written in stone. By changing what we do we can change who we are, and who we are determines where we want to be, and that determines what we do. See how that cycle works?

The "I" in crocheting hasn't really effected the "me" yet... at least I don't think it has. Who knows, maybe one day I'll look back and say, "Hey, that little Glenita monster sure did give me a different perspective on myself!" You just never know how what you do may effect who you are. 

Yours Truly

References
Christiansen, C. H. (1999). Defining lives: Occupation as identity: An essay on competence, coherence, and the creation of meaning. The American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 53, 547-548.