Metacognition can be a dangerous thing

Writer's Block: "The condition of being unable to think of what to write or how to proceed with writing." 

That definition is according to Google, so it is obviously the most correct definition there is. And if it is correct, then that's what I've got. I really like writing, but having the desire to write is really frustrating if you don't know what to write about.

There's been a lot on my mind lately, but considering the fact that I'm a woman and everything I think is somehow connected to everything else, I wouldn't even know where to begin. You should be grateful that I'm not going to even try. You're welcome. 

However, in thinking about what I've been thinking about, I think I've found a common theme in all of it. The theme is that I very much feel that everything I do is done in some sort of servitude. 

Now, I'm not complaining. Please don't think that. I wouldn't be doing any of what I do if I didn't want to. I like feeling like I can make a difference, and I fully believe that we are put here on earth to help each other. If I were the only person alive, would anything I do in a day matter? Nope. I probably wouldn't even shower as often as I do. Gross...maybe. True...yes. I do what I do for the people I love. Take it or leave it. 

So, this being the case, I'm perfectly fine living a life of servitude. It's what I'm here for. But, I am still human and have the stupid, selfish desire to be appreciated for my life endeavors. My parents and my bishop say they appreciate me... but they have to say those things. I want to feel like I matter to everybody else too, you know? 

I think all of us either knew a kid or we were that kid who was dramatic enough to occasionally tie a handkerchief to the end of a stick with some bread and a Gogurt in it, swing it over their shoulder, and yell to their parents that they were running away. My sister did it enough times that I knew the routine well. I even helped her pack her knapsack a couple of times, then was the one sent to go find her sitting on the curb a few blocks down the street a couple of hours later, bread and Gogurt mostly eaten. 

I know it's stupid, childish, and selfish... but I feel like putting a knapsack together and just running away. I just want to see if anyone would come find me. 

One time, when I was about 9 years old, I went sledding at Clear Lake Park with a bunch of other primary kids. I was playing with another girl who was my age, and I thought we were having a good time. Then some more kids showed up, one of which was also about my age and who I looked to as my best friend. Well, the first girl and I went running over to the second girl, and the first girl said to the second girl, "Oh my gosh, I am so glad you came! I was afraid I was going to be all alone with no one to hang out with!" Yes, I was standing right there. And that's just one of the examples I could give of the many times I felt completely and horribly used as I grew up. 

There's a difference between feeling utilized, and feeling used. The feeling of being utilized is a good feeling. It's a feeling of being useful in your contributions to those around you and society as a whole, and being appreciated for it. But after a while, I think it is easy to start feeling more used than utilized if the appreciation isn't there. 

There is a happy part to this post. Just wait for it. I don't mean for this to be a "wo is me" speech. 

Tonight I had my institute class, and I was reminded of something I tend to forget. I think I get so wrapped up in worrying about everyone else in my life that I forget that I matter. I am a person with strengths and weaknesses like everybody else, but I matter just as much as they do. I am not superior or inferior to a single person I interact with. I am equal to them in worth and potential. 

In my class tonight, we talked about how we tend to feel a great love for the people we serve and are given responsibility for, even if we don't know them that well. And when people don't know us well, we don't really believe that they could actually love us. "You don't even know me. How on earth can you say that you love me?"

On the opposite end of things, we have our Savior who knows us through and through. He knows every little thing about us, good and bad. And we still can't believe that we could be truly loved. "But, you know me. You know all my sins and my weaknesses. You know every bad thought I ever have. You know what I'm bad at. You know how selfish I am. You know that I make lots of stupid choices. You know exactly how many times I've fumbled in the past...and you still love me? More than anyone else ever has or ever will?"

Why don't we just accept that we are loved? Why can't we just accept that through the pure love of Christ, it doesn't matter how well we are or aren't known? And that the atonement makes up for any area that we or those around us may lack, and fills it with love? 

This was my major realization tonight that ties all of this together. I am not just the Lord's servant. Through the atonement, I am His daughter. And you are my brothers and my sisters. And this is just what family does. We serve each other, and we love each other, and whether you say "thank you" or not, I will still keep serving you. That's what I'm here for. 

Yours Truly

My very first Christmas News Letter

Growing up, we always got a whole bunch of Christmas cards from our beloved friends and family from all over the country, some more spiffy and some more plain. All of those letters and cards would then be taped to our sliding glass door, and every time we got a new one I would carefully shuffle all of the others around to fit in the new one. The end result was a very organized and coordinated puzzle of cards and papers of all shapes, sizes and colors. I really liked doing that, and I just knew that when I had my own family that I would send out spiffy Christmas Family Newsletters just like the ones on our door. 

Now I'm in this weird stage in life where I'm 21, I'm accomplishing a lot, and I've sort of become my own entity. I'm not married, and my family members are hundreds of miles away. I feel like I have full rights to composing some sort of Christmas newsletter, but single people just don't do that on their own. How conceited would that be? "Here ya go! I've sent you a couple pictures of myself, as well as a list of all my accomplishments and bragging worthy events for the year." I just can't really do that. BUT, a blog post I can do! And since I come from the age where everything is done through technology anyway, why not? So, yes, I get to put up pictures of myself and compose a list of all of my wonderful accomplishments for the year. But, the decision to care is totally up to you. I am in no way imposing this upon you or asking you to put my picture up on your sliding glass door. With that being said, let's talk about me!

JANUARY
I started out the new year chaperoning my little brother's youth dance. Oh, the joys of youth and the awkwardness it brings! And may I point out, most of them thought I was still a youth. Still in my awkward stage? Maybe. 

I then brought my little sister, Sarah, out to BYU-I and helped her get settled. It was fun to visit my old friends there and feel the amazing spirit of that campus again. I really, really miss it. But then I realized that what I really miss is what it used to be to me. It's different now, and it was at this point that I think I finally accepted Pocatello as home. 

I started my 2nd semester of OT school. Meh. 

January 30th was my 4 year cancer diagnosis anniversary. Crazy that it's been that long, right? And at the same time, it feels like it was forever ago. 

It was also in January that I started this blog! 

FEBRUARY
I was the accomplice and secret photographer for my friend Tyler as he proposed to one of my very first and closest friends her in Pocatello, Whitney. So much fun!

Those same friends hacked my facebook and switched my birthday. This gave me the opportunity to have two birthdays this year!

MARCH
Not a happy time. As evidenced by this facebook status update from March 19th: "Pretty sure I had more life satisfaction and better occupational performance as a 16 year old cancer patient than I do right now as a fake graduate student. That's how much I hate this right now. Therefore, I'd rather have cancer than be an OT student at ISU. Something is not right here."

This was where I turned in my capstone project, and was told to rewrite it or get kicked out of the program. 

I rewrote it.

Probably the best thing that happened that month was my friend, Julie, coming from Twin Falls for a weekend to save my sanity. She did my laundry, made me tons of food, cleaned my apartment, did my grocery shopping, and so much more. She's my favorite person in the world. 


APRIL
Capstone results came back, and I was fine. Still in the program. Woot woot. 


MAY 
I graduated from Idaho State University with my Bachelors of Science and University Studies degree! I officially have a slip of paper representing everything I've learned in the past four years. Amazing. It was an awesome day. My family was able to come down from Washington to be here, bringing me the same cap and gown that my mom wore when she graduated from ISU. I'm so grateful for the awesome support they have been and continue to be!

I then moved on to my first fieldwork! It's basically an internship, but this one was only two weeks. I spent it in a nursing home here in Pocatello, and learned a lot while I was there. One thing I learned was that I never want to work in a nursing home. It just broke my heart to see the decline in the residents even in just the short time I was there. I need to work in a place where I see progress. 

On a more solemn note, we had to put our dog, Zion, down. Not sure exactly what was wrong with him, but he was going downhill really quickly. I still really miss him sometimes. 

Remember Julie? The one who came to my rescue? Well, she left on her mission. Why is this in my newsletter? Because she's pretty much my best friend in the whole wide world and having her gone impacts me greatly. But I'm so, so proud of her and happy she can be out serving the Lord in Nevada. 

Also, I got my first speeding ticket. Ugh. 


JUNE

Other than losing my job at Mrs. Powell's Bakery, June was beautiful. It was so amazing to just have a chance to recuperate from the semester and breathe for a bit. I really did just play pretty much the whole month. It felt great to be able to work out, go to the temple, go out with friends, dive into my calling, and just do whatever the heck I wanted without feeling pressure to always be doing school instead. It really was just a fun, fun little break. 


JULY
I moved into a new place! It's a cute little apartment that is part of a house. It's just me and the beautiful Cami Wilson, and I love it. She has become one of my dearest friends.

I had a summer class I had to take, so that put a bit of a damper on my July. Research Methodology. Not the most enjoyable way to spend my time.

I had my actual birthday and turned twenty-one. So that's cool. No, I didn't go to a bar or do anything I might have to get carded for. 

Camille, Savannah, Jarom and I had a fun day out in Idaho Falls.

I got a new job! I now work for ALLIES Family Solutions. So I work with mentally and developmentally challenged kids out in the community. I love it. 

Also, my mom and some of my siblings came to visit for a few weeks, and that was super fun! They stayed a few nights with me in my little house, and it was wonderful. 



AUGUST
I got to go up to Washington for a few days! I really love that my family lives there. It is one of the prettiest places I've ever been. We helped my cousin get settled at college up there and just had a blast. I got to ride on a ferry for the first time, and we spent a day at the beach. Good times!

I started my second year of OT school, and I was pumped! I was ready to get back in it and start applying everything we'd been learning. I wish I could always have the enthusiasm that I have in that first week of school.

SEPTEMBER
This was a good month. It was fun. I wasn't always the most responsible, and maybe I regret a few things, but it was still good. 

I took a trip down to Utah to see some of my close friends, Jeremiah and Kayla, for a weekend. That was way fun! Not only did I get to spend time with them, but we went shopping and I ended up getting like 5 new pairs of shoes at a killer price. Score!



OCTOBER
I got to be in ISU's homecoming parade! My dear friend owns a bridal shop here in town, and asked me to be on their float as a bride. So much fun! We spent hours getting our hair and makeup done that morning, then got to wear gorgeous dresses and be praised endlessly as we passed by hundreds of people. It was fabulous. 

Got my wisdom teeth pulled. That was fun.

Halloween institute dance! I went as a baseball player and got to help my roommate, Cami, dress up as a porcelain doll. It was definitely a crazy night of much needed dance time with good friends. 

Also, I got thrown off a horse. I'm not sure I should be proud of it, but I kind of am. It makes me feel more accomplished in a way. I landed on top of a cactus, and I still have cactus needles in my side. It's fine. 

NOVEMBER
I got called to be the Relief Society president in my ward, a calling I am absolutely loving. I really, really love my ward. 

Thanksgiving was a wonderful week of catching up on school work and being with family. I went to Idaho Falls and spent Thursday and Friday with family there. I'm so grateful to have them so close and for the loving support and comfort they give me.

DECEMBER 
On December 3rd I was dismissed from the MOT program here at ISU. Not my proudest moment. I won't go in to great detail about it here. If you want to read more about how I feel about it, click here. Suffice it to say that I'm very disappointed in myself and can't believe that I'm in this situation. However, it is always better to look up, and I'm recognizing that this could be the best thing for me right now. I'm truly sorry for disappointing any of you, but I feel it should be pointed out that everything written in this newsletter previous to this paragraph was written before being dismissed from the program. So if my feelings which I have expressed about the program give you any indication of how I was doing and how I felt about it, you may understand my perspective a little better. This can be a good thing. 

My plans are to go home for Christmas, but come back at the end of the month and continue to live in Pocatello until I get things figured out. I have a job here and calling to fulfill. And honestly, Pocatello is more of a home to me than anywhere else right now. Past the point of coming back and working for a while, I'm not sure what the future holds for me. For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan. 

Scary? Yes. Liberating? Yes. 

CONCLUSION
Most newsletters have a conclusion, right? 

Here are a few things I've learned this year: 

1. "Get up, dress up, show up, and never give up."
2. Family will be there, no matter what.
3. I can't do everything.
4. My top priority should not be to make everyone else happy. 
5. "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." -Pres. Hinckley 

Now that it's the end of the year, I don't know how great my accomplishments have been. And I'm not sure what I've accomplished. I'm not sure that I really even have anything to brag about. But that's okay, because at the end of the day, my family, my friends, and my Savior still love me. At the end of the day, there is still a tomorrow. And no matter what happens, I am blessed far beyond measure. I'm so grateful for everything I have and know. I'm grateful for who I am, and the things that make me that way. I'm grateful for humbling experiences that make me realize who I'm not, and who is really in charge. I'm grateful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and can in no way describe the depth of my love and gratitude for Him. It is through Him that I will reach my fullest potential, and it is enough to know that maybe I am not a disappointment to Him. In all things, I am His, and that right there is the most beautiful part of this Christmas newsletter.

Merry Christmas, friends. I love you all.

Yours Truly

Just because you're married...

A few years ago, my dad called me to catch up on life. I was being a great multi-tasker and doing my laundry during our phone conversation, when, out of the blue, my dad asked me if my patriarchal blessing says anything about me getting married. I thought, "Why is he asking me this? He was there when I got it...but ok..." and I answered the question anyway. 

"Yes, it says I'll be married in the temple." 

"Does it say anything about your children?"

At this point I was pretty puzzled, but still answered without question, "Yes, it says I'll be a mother in Zion."

After a little pause, my dad asked another question. "Does it say anything about when?" 

What? Being straight up taken aback by his questions, I stood up straight from putting my clothes in the dryer and answered, "Nooo...why?"

"Well, I was just wondering when I'm going to get to be a grandpa." 

Really, Dad? He was only 45 at the time. And worse yet, I was only 19. 

On another occasion, I was speaking on the phone to my little 12 year old sister. She informed me that my family had been talking and had agreed that I need to hurry up and get married so that I can have a baby for them to play with. I said I'd try my best. 

I don't recall a single occasion since I've left home where I've talked with a bishop and not been asked if I'm dating someone, even if he wasn't my bishop. And it's not just clergymen either. We could easily expand this to pretty much any adult who ever cared for my eternal well-being. Ever. 

My married friends have made it their goal in life to find my future spouse for me. Whether this is purely for my happiness or so they can claim the glory for my "happily ever after" is yet to be determined. 

Do you feel me? And thus we see the tremendous amount of pressure a young, Mormon girl feels to get married and start a family. It's just like the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. We go to Mormon school (seminary, BYU, etc.), we marry a Mormon boy, and we make Mormon babies. Good thing free agency is in there somewhere. 

This might sound like I'm complaining and hating on marriage. Or it might sound like I'm repulsed by the Mormon culture I am so intricately a part of. This is not true in the slightest. I do want to get married and start a family. I want it more than anything in all existence, actually. I firmly believe that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, and that the only way to reach our fullest potential is through those sealing covenants made in the House of the Lord and as we raise families of our own. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I want it badly. For more about my beliefs on the institution of marriage, click here and here.


This being said, don't you all think I'm trying? This isn't me hating on marriage, eternal growth, families, men, covenants, or any of that. This is me resenting the constant push and pull by everyone who has ever asked me about my love life, which happens to be non-existent, by the way. Maybe that's where the bitterness lies. In any case, I don't think it's fair that the battle for love which I - or any of us single people - face as we go day to day fulfilling our callings, attending every YSA event, flirting with the one's we're interested in, and never saying no to a date should be so heavily scrutinized by anyone else just because they have already found the love of their life and I haven't. And I'm only twenty-one! I can only imagine the intensity of the resentment which my peers experience who are in their mid or - heaven forbid - late twenty's and are still single. 

I know how beautiful it is to be a part of a family. And I can see how amazing it is to be the creator of that family. I'm surrounded by it, all of the time. It almost taunts me. The majority of my friends are married, and most have children. Believe me when I say I can see it, I can feel it, and I want it. One of my classmates just had a baby last week, and I got to see him today. The aura of perfection which surrounds him is practically overwhelming, and my heart literally hurts in its longing for my own babies. I want to know them. I want to feel their perfection and be consumed by it. 

I appreciate and love the people in my life. I really and truly am so grateful for everyone I surround myself with on a daily basis, because I know they care about me deeply and want the very best for me. I'm grateful for my family, my bishop, and my married friends who are all genuinely interested in my eternal welfare. I'm grateful to have such amazing examples of wonderful, eternal marriages to look up to and strive for. I'm grateful to believe in such a thing as a happy marriage. I'm grateful for the boys who still ask girls on dates, and I'm sure they're grateful for the girls that say yes. I'm also grateful to know that the Lord's timing and plan is supernal to anything I, or anyone else, could conjure up for myself. I'm grateful to know that the Lord knows what I need and when I need it. I'm grateful to know that I can trust Him for that. I would just ask that everyone else believe it also. Believe that He will take care of me. You don't have to set me up with your mother's second cousin's step-son and worry that if I don't go out with him I'll never find true happiness. I am happy. And someday I'll experience a new level of happiness. I'm not really worried about it, and you shouldn't be either. I'm trying. Just give it time.

Yours Truly

Wishful thinking

I once read that writing is the best way to speak without being interrupted. It’s also my best form of self-help and therapy. Turns out, I haven’t written anything in a while. Maybe that’s why I seem to be in such a rut lately.

I think most people would say that I’m a pretty happy, go-lucky person. And I would agree….mostly. Because, the thing is, most people don’t know me very well. I’ve been blessed to make many friends and meet wonderful people wherever I go; however, at this point, it’s hard to pinpoint those who I would call my very close friends. I just feel like I have a lot of acquaintances. So, despite the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve and am generally an open book, there are few people who know me well enough to read my deepest sentiments and emotions regardless of my facial expression. My dearest friends are either married or on missions. I know I’ve said this before, but I really just can’t help feeling a little left behind. I just want a best friend again.

The crappy thing is, I’m so blessed! I have nothing to complain about! I have a wonderful family who loves me and takes care of me. I’m in a master’s program studying my dream profession. I’ve landed a job which I love and is right up my alley. I love my church calling and my ward. I live in an absolutely gorgeous area. All of my needs are met. And best of all, I’m a member of the Lord’s true church and know that His gospel is true. In essence, I feel like a total wench for being the least bit negative about my life. I’ve got it so good!

How is it, then, that I feel so stagnant? I feel unproductive, worthless, and pathetic. I feel stuck. Most of all, lost. I feel so lost. For the first time, I know what people mean when they say they feel lonely in a sea of people. Nothing I do is progressing me towards where I want to be. And where is that? I’m not even sure that I know. I’m just not even sure what direction I’m headed.

Heavenly Father has a funny way of getting in my head. Tonight I took a walk through my parents neighborhood. I’m here in Washington visiting for a few days, and every time I come I am completely floored by the beauty in this area. The air always smells so clean, the greenery is spectacular, and the view of the Puget Sound makes me feel like I’m in a dream vacation spot. But no. My family actually lives here. With all of these negative emotions and thoughts running through my brain, I felt like a walk would do me good.

Toward the end of my walk, I picked a daisy from the side of the road. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I immediately wanted to start plucking petals and whispering softly, “He loves me, he loves me not…” But I refrained as the thought danced through my head with a spout of bitterness, “Too bad you don’t have anyone to wonder about.” I held onto the daisy anyway, twirling it in my fingers as I walked. I studied it, admiring it’s whiteness and perfectly round, yellow center. Such a simply beautiful thing. In studying it, I noticed a few tiny insects crawling around on the petals, but no matter how I twirled the flower or blew on it, the bugs wouldn't come off. “Whatever,” I thought, and kept walking.

Just a block or two later I came upon some dandelions on the side of the road. I stopped, excited to pick one and make a wish before blowing dozens of hazardous dandelion seeds onto some poor fellow’s lawn. As I went to grab one, I was a little confused by the plant. They seemed to all be connected in a bush like growth, and in picking one I disrupted all those surrounding it. My efforts were all for naught as I held up a completely seedless stem. I decided to try again. A bit more carefully this time, I used both hands and pulled on the tough stem. I successfully plucked the little bugger without losing any seeds, but in the process I had somehow taken a big chunk of skin off my thumb knuckle with the opposite thumbnail. I stared at my wound as blood pooled to the surface, blowing on it and willing the sting away. I glanced at the dandelion, then back at my thumb as a voice, which seemed to be my own, entered my thoughts. “Be careful making wishes, Hannah. You may only hurt yourself.” Ugh. I lifted this little omen of hope to my lips, thinking, “I wish…I wish…I wish I knew where I was going” (figuratively, of course). I began to inhale, then stopped short as a voice, not my own, penetrated my thoughts. “You already know that. You’re making your way home to Me.” Again, ugh. “Ok, then…I wish…I wish I could go on a mission? No. You know that’s not what you’re supposed to do. And you know that wishing for your husband to come will be futile if it’s not the Lord’s timing. I wish Julie was here? No…that wouldn't be right to wish her off her mission.” I began walking again, daisy in one hand and intact dandelion in the other. I couldn't think of anything to wish for, yet, somehow I was sure I’d think of something before I reached the house. I didn't. I ended up leaving both the daisy and the dandelion on the pavement at the bottom of the driveway. Both had failed me in some small way, but as I made my way up the driveway, I felt oddly triumphant. Here was my realization.

I didn't need to make a wish. All the blessings I could ever ask for are mine so long as I do what is required to get them. I already have been given so much, and in the Lord’s time, I will be given so much more than what I can even imagine. He wants to give it to me! It’s not like this is some twisted game where I’m meant to be miserable as he holds back the things that I want most in life. He knows me. He knows my thoughts, my desires, my sentiments, and my hidden emotions. He is my closest and truest friend.

"The rose has but a summer reign, the daisy never dies."
 -James Montgomery

While this may seem a little odd, my conclusion was that I need to be like one of those tiny bugs clinging to the daisy, and after doing a little research, I’m even more resolved in my assumption. The daisy stands for simplicity, modesty, loyalty, love, innocence, gentleness, and commitment. Its name is derived from the phrase, “eye of the day,” referring to the way it opens and closes with the sun. Its formal name is Bellis Perennis, meaning, everlasting beauty. Also, if you ever find yourself stranded in the wilderness and starving to death, know that the daisy can act as an incredible vitamin supplement. According to eHow, "Daisies may look delicate, but they actually require very little care and thrive in almost any soil as long as it is well drained. With a little care, these hardy flowers will return for years, rewarding you with profuse and dazzling blooms."

A beautiful verse of poetry states:
"You may wear your virtues as a crown, 
As you walk through life serenely, 
And grace your simple rustic gown
With a beauty more than queenly. 
Though only one for you shall care,
One only speak your praises; 
And you never wear in your shining hair,
A richer flower than daisies."
-Phoebe Cary

What could be more symbolic of the Savior?

The puff-ball dandelion, on the other hand, has a less promising symbolic nature. Myths and folklores were all I could find. Make a wish before blowing the seeds off, and it may just come true. The number of breaths it takes to blow all the seeds off is the number of years before you find true love. Or, if some seeds cling to the stalk, you’ll never find true love. Planting them in the northwest corner of your property will bring good weather. The amount of seeds left on the stalk after blowing is the number of years you have left to live. Yada yada yada… The way I see it, the dandelion, while a fun and hopeful little thing, brings nothing but a false sense of security. It’s wishy washy. There’s no sure foundation. With a simple breath its seeds can be blown into the breeze, completely controlled by the elements which surround them. Not only that, but somehow this little weed must have thought that the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth was a specific charge to itself rather than to Adam and Eve. It’s ridiculous.

In summary, as I cling to the Savior and the values I've been taught, I’ll be filled with peace as I follow His plan for me and receive blessing beyond what any wish could bring me. Wow. It really is the simple things, isn't it?

Yours Truly

Bucket lists and vineyards

Alright, so I mentioned a while back that I had created a summer bucket list. I made this list back in April, and I realize it's a lot of things and I probably won't get them all done. That's okay. It'll keep my busy and having fun. That's all I want. Some of the things I've never done, some of them I have. So here it is:

Hannah's Summer Bucket List

• Lagoon
• Ross Park Pool
• Museum of Idaho (They have a guitar exhibit for the summer featuring a 43.5 foot long x 16 foot wide guitar!)
• The Living Planet Aquarium in SLC
• River rafting
• Do open mic night at a coffee shop
• Go camping/fishing/boating/shooting (All of these things are amazing and good. Whether they happen in the same trip or not is not important, though possible)
• Go to a zoo
• Lava Hot Springs
• Monkey Rock  
• Drive in movie (check)
• Go caving (check)
• Do 21 "Random Acts of Kindness" for my birthday

If you're interested, here is my formal bucket list which I created when I was about 17. Some of them are pretty typical, but I will tell you right now that skydiving is not on list list. That would be on the informal bucket list for my life. The informal bucket list includes things such as eating a burger at Big Judd's, doing the splits, and hiking R mountain; things that I will get half way through and think, "This is really stupid and will not make me feel accomplished in any way," even if I have always secretly wanted to do them. Anyway, here's the official one:

Official Life Bucket List

• Light a big firework (Like, a BIG one)
• Visit all 50 states
• Be kissed in the pouring rain
• Tour Europe
• Be married to my best friend in the temple
• Go skinny dipping
• Stand on the Golden Gate Bridge (or just drive across...either way)
• Go on a train ride
• See the Northern Lights
• Go to a concert
• Ride in a hot air balloon (and if my future husband proposes inside one, that would be great too)
• Go rock climbing
• Go hang gliding
• Learn to play the accordion
• Go to an NBA game
• Play "Clair de Lune" perfectly
• See Niagara Falls
• Read the Harry Potter series 
• Shoot a crossbow
• Ride in a submarine
• Have some sort of crazy pet (like a fox)
• Give a flower to someone I don't know
• Visit Australia
• Have lots of kids
• Make a full wig (donate my hair at least 5 times)
• Make a kite that works
• Pet a lion
• Go white water rafting
• Visit a real castle
• Pay for a car behind me at a toll booth
• Read the entire Standard Works
• Dance in the moonlight
• Have a rose garden
• Be in a flash mob
• Swim with dolphins (check)
• Have dance lessons (check)
• Sleep in a boat (check)
• Swim in the ocean (check)
• Go to Walt Disney World (check)
• Get a professional massage (check)
• Drive/ride a motorcycle (check)
• Ride in a helicopter (check)

So, basically, I've got a lot to do! However, this is something I've been thinking a lot about lately. Check lists. If you've never read the talk by Dallin H. Oaks called "The Challenge to Become", read it. At the beginning of the summer, I felt the need to make a new and improved me. This meant getting down to the very deepest parts of my foundation and repairing the parts that were starting to break down. I made a daily check list (because I really love checking things off) including things like read scriptures, morning and evening prayers, keep my room clean, write in my journal, and work out every day. I've done pretty well on most of the things, but it's not like I've been able to check every single one off every single day, and I was starting to get down on myself for that. Then I read this talk, and my eyes were opened. While what we do defines what we ultimately become, life is not meant to be a check list. The gospel is not a check list where we complete something and move on; rather, it is a constant battle for becoming who the Lord would have us be. Therefore, when we sit before the Lord to be judged, it is not what we have done, but who we have become, that will determine our fate. 

It goes back to the parable of the Laborers in the Vineyard given in Matthew 20:1-16. Jesus describes a "householder" who hires men to work for him in his vineyard. The laborers who he found in the morning agreed to work for him and receive a penny per day for payment. Clearly they were desperate; who works for a penny per day?! Just kidding. But really. In any case, these men began their work, and the owner of the vineyard continued throughout the day to hire on new laborers, who also agreed to receive a penny per day for their work. He went out in the third, the sixth, the ninth, and the eleventh hour, each time hiring on new employees. At the twelfth hour, he asked his steward to pay the workers, beginning with those who didn't start until the eleventh hour. When those who began work in the morning learned that those who had only worked for an hour received the same payment as they did, they were furious. I mean, wouldn't you be? They complained, saying, "These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day." The owner of the vineyard replied, "Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny?" 

So, in the end, even those who maybe haven't accomplished as much or worked as hard as the others can receive the same payment so long as they become a "laborer" of the Lord. It is all dependent on what we become. I'm trying really hard to become something great here, and while daily scripture study, prayer, and journal writing are good things and undoubtedly crucial to becoming the woman the Lord would have me be, there is no need for a check list. What I become is so much deeper than a list. It is beauty, love, kindness, respect, charity, humility, patience, hope, trust, and faith. It is emulating the life of my Savior and becoming like him. It is the ultimate bucket list item :)

Yours Truly

Lead Kindly Light

Lately I've had some really crazy sleep patterns. Not really sure why, but this morning I was wide awake and bushy-tailed at 5:30. That's pretty crazy early to get up on a Sunday morning when you have absolutely no reason to. But there I was. 

I love driving. I love to just get in a car... and go. Go somewhere I've never been, and not know where I'm going. It's liberating not to have to know. So that's what I did. Still wearing my pajamas, I slipped on some flip flops, grabbed my keys, and out the door I went. I decided to go toward the sunrise. 

Pocatello is great for the fact that if you just pick a road and go, eventually you'll end up driving through hills and valleys which are absolutely gorgeous. I love it. As I drove, my main goal was to be in the beautiful new streams of sunlight; however, I was surrounded by hills and the sun wasn't quite high enough yet to come out over the top of their shadows. I could always see pure sunlight in the distance, and I would think, "Not too much farther." But I would just catch a bit of it and then it was right back into the shadows. 

I started thinking that I just needed to get higher, and pretty soon I came upon a side road (gravel) which had a steep incline. Perfect! So, thinking I would be a little adventurous and do some off-roading, I laid into the gas and felt pretty hardcore as I went up this hill. Pretty soon I made it to the top, and, to my disappointment, found that I had just traveled up a very steep and treacherous gravel driveway. Sitting before me was an extremely run-down, old house surrounded by junk and rusty old vehicles. I fully expected an old, bearded man with three teeth to come out wearing a wife-beater and overalls, lift up a shotgun and yell, "Get off my property!" 

I quickly turned around and went back to the main road. 

As the road went on, it became very windy with sharp turns, and I couldn't always see where I was going. My patience and perseverance was soon rewarded though, and before long I had broken out of the shadows into beautiful, golden sunlight. I drove until I found a place I could pull off the road, and taking a blanket from the back of my car, climbed up the window shield to take a perch and soak it all in. The birds were singing, horses were in the pasture, dew glistened on the long grass, and it was just me and my thoughts. It was beautiful. I'm not sure where I was, but I could totally live there someday.

In a few hours I would be singing and playing "Lead Kindly Light" in our sacrament meeting, and as I sat there I realized just how much my little drive resembled the words of that song.

"Lead, kindly Light, amide the encircling gloom, lead Thou me on.
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on.
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not every thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on.
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long Thy power hath blessed me, sure it still will lead me on.
O;er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile, 
Which I have loved long since, and lost a while.

It is so important to follow the path that our Heavenly Father and his son, Jesus Christ, have laid out for us. I know sometimes it feels as though we're stuck in the shadows, and the road is windy, and we can't see where we're going... but that's okay. The reward is so great! And we'll get there someday! We just have to trust that when we get there, it will be more beautiful than would could have imagined, and we'll think, "Yeah, I could totally live here." 

Most importantly, we must not leave the path. Even thought it may seem more adventurous and you think it will get you to what you want faster, you may just find a dirty, beaten up house which potentially could have an old toothless man with a shotgun inside. 

The Lord's plan for us is so, so much sweeter and more rewarding than anything we could ever plan for ourselves. No matter what, if we love and stay true to the gospel, we will always be where we are meant to be. Whatever plan you had for yourself or wherever you think you were supposed to be right now, throw it out the window. If you are living up to your divine potential and working hard to become what the Savior would have you be, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. 

"When walking through the 'valley of the shadows,' always remember that a shadow is cast by a light." 
-H. K. Barclay

Never hesitate to trust the Lord. He knows what He's doing. Lead, kindly light.

Yours Truly

The most beautiful lady

I have said on many occasions that my mom is my angel, my hero, and my best friend; she is everything I want to be when I grow up. Every now and then I do something that makes me realize how much I’ve become like her, and in that moment I smile and give a mental fist pump to the air because I am that much closer to achieving one of my greatest goals. Throughout my entire life I have watched my mother live a life of service, hard work, patience, compassion, joy, hope, and love.

My mom is one of nine children, and each one played a special part in the family business of Pierre’s Playhouse. This was a magical place of melodrama theater where villains wore capes, top hats, and swirly mustaches as they pursued the favor of the heroine and any riches or power to be acquired. These plans were always thwarted by the never failing, dashing and handsome hero, who would save the damsel and sweep her off her feet. All of this ensued, garnished with the music of the red player piano, the boo’s, ahh’s, and cheers of the audience, popcorn and soft drinks, extravagant costumes, and a little girl who would give anything to be just like the heroine in those plays. I was the little girl, and my mom was that heroine. These are my first memories of wanting to be just like her.


As I grew, I witnessed countless occasions where my mother continued to be a real life heroine. Not the helpless damsel in distress, but a strong and passionate woman who was continuously coming to the rescue of others. Her life is a pure example of selflessness as she home schooled me and my siblings, did humanitarian aid, took in the poor and the needy, fulfilled hours upon hours of service in her church callings, engaged in all night sessions of helping me write my English papers, gave her unfailing support and dedication to my dad in all circumstances, gave ride after ride to band, piano lessons, t-ball, soccer, violin lesson, softball, gymnastics, etc., completely dedicated herself to my care in my battle of cancer, and brought us closer to our Heavenly Father as she created an atmosphere in our home where the Spirit could always be felt. The list of her amazing qualities and good deeds is endless, and I could not hope to number them all. I am in constant awe that my Father in Heaven would allow me the privilege of having such a mother to look up to and emulate. I owe most of what I have become to her.

As the day of my college graduation from ISU arrived and my parents were on their way into town, I took my time getting ready for the big day. As I was finishing, I put on my earrings, applied some lipstick, and “fixed” my hair for the hundredth time, then found myself trying to decide which perfume to wear. I have several different kinds, none of which really smell similar. Usually it just depends on my mood or the occasion as to which one I wear, if I wear any at all. It didn't take long before I was reaching for one of my favorites, and the thought that ran through my head was, “I want to smell like Mom today.” I hadn't really thought of that perfume smelling like my mom before, but that’s when it struck me that maybe that’s why it’s one of my favorites.

This picture hangs in the Dental Hygiene building
here at ISU. Sometimes I go look at it when I miss her.

                                 
My parents got there just a few minutes before the graduation ceremony started, leaving me in a little bit of a panic since they were bringing my cap and gown – the same cap and gown my mom wore when she graduated from ISU all those years ago. I stood on the curb as they drove up, waving my arms and twirling in my red, polka-dotted dress so that they would see me. As my mom saw me her hand flew to her mouth and she began to cry. She got out of the car and we just held each other, both crying. Without much time to spare, out came the graduation cap and gown, which she and my dad helped me put on. Maybe I’m too sentimental, but the fact that I was wearing the same cap and gown my mom did and graduating from the same college really struck a chord with me. Could my dream of becoming just like her be coming true? Was I finally becoming a heroine?

I love my mom. I think she is amazing, and everyone else should too. That’s sort of the entire message of this little monologue, in case you didn't catch that. There are several women in my life who I look up to, love, and respect, but none are as beautiful as my mother. She is an extraordinary example and radiant beacon of light to everyone around her, though she would never claim the praise and admiration she is so deserving of.
I love her, and I hope to be a real life heroine, just like her. She is the most beautiful lady in all the world. 

Yours Truly